Adjusting to Divorce & Co-parenting
Let’s Meet Alicia
The minute that Alicia entered the room she saw him. He was talking with three people and entertaining them. Everyone was laughing. She knew a few people there, walked over and started talking with them.
He worked the room and came back to her. Asked about her work. Seemed impressed with the level of management that she had reached. Asked her out.
Alex was fun. He helped her relax, and she needed that. She had worked her way through school and not dated much. Her work was complex, and a lot of people depended on her. He listened and was really attentive to her. She simply adored him, and he seemed to adore her. She figured this must be love, and she married him.
His work required that he entertain a lot, so he came home late a couple of evenings during the week. On the weekend they partied with his friends. Somehow they didn’t spend much time with her friends.
When the time was right, she came up with a down payment, and they bought a house. They had a lovely daughter, Loren. She loved having a house and family and actually enjoyed doing all of the responsibilities that come with a home and family. He seemed irritated when she asked him to help. Busy. When they went out on the weekend she began to notice him openly flirting with several women.
When she told him that made her uncomfortable, he said that she was “just being silly”. When she brought it up again, he became abusive. He insisted, “You will not tell me what to do.” She suggested marriage counseling, and he refused. Told her, “Our fights are all you fault – you are picking on me.” She overheard someone saying, “There goes Alex, he’s at it again. Will he ever grow up?”
Alicia accomplishes what she sets out to do and doesn’t give up. She thought of all kinds of ways to make the marriage better and tried them all. The harder she worked, the less he responded. One day he said, “You make life so miserable for me I am getting a divorce.”
How can Alicia use her personality strengths to create her best new life?
Let’s look at how Alicia met Alex. She went to a business networking group that she found on the internet. There were about 100 people there. Alex charmed her. While they were dating, they did not spend much time around her friends, only his. Since they were not with her friends much, she did not have much chance to see what they thought about Alex.
Now that she is no longer focusing her attention on how to make Alex happy, she can use her Theoretical Value to find a lot of ways that she and her lovely daughter can enjoy each other. She has a large family and women friends that she enjoys, too.
Look at her personality strengths to see how she can use them to create a new life. After you consider them now, later you may have more thoughts about what else you see that she can do.
How Can Alicia Use Her PSA© To Help Her Adjust to Divorce?
Alicia is high in Social Value. Could she join some group which supports a worthy cause where members meet regularly? They would be helping people less fortunate than they are and making friends. Then, over time, she could develop solid friendships. Experience firsthand over time who she is comfortable with. Introduce her friends to people she likes in the group. Meet their friends.
She could use her Strength in Theoretical Value to find a lot of ways to meet people. Then use her Tendency to Read Feelings to see how a person who interests her treats other people – before she actually spends one-on-one time with him. She’s on her way.
With Alicia’s PSA© you have seen how to consider her personality strengths to create her best new life. With your PSA© you can ask, “How can I use my personality strengths to create my best new life?”
What do you see here that gives you some ideas about how to help Alicia? What insights do you get?
Now let’s meet Brad.
How Does Brad’s PSA© Help Him Adjust to Divorce?
Brad simply cannot understand why Brandy wanted a divorce. So he went to a marriage and family therapist. She suggested that he get a PSA©, and he did. He had no idea where his 32 personality strengths were – how could he know? Some of these results astounded him! He and his therapist brainstormed, and he got huge insights.
He has his own business and built it from scratch. He meets business owners through friends. Even if they have someone who provides his service, he asks them to give him a chance if they become unhappy with their current supplier. When he gets the chance he carefully studies what needs to be done (Objectivity at 90%). He closely manages his work crew (Dominance at 90%). He takes good care of clients (Nurturance at 85%).
He can use these same personality strengths to make new friends. He is so high in Social Boldness at 95%) that he can meet people easily. Then he can listen carefully to see what is important to them. Then nurture them by giving them what is important to them.
See what else Brad’s personality strengths tell you about him. Look for ways for him to adjust to divorce and meet new people.
What do you see here that gives you some ideas about how to help Brad? What insights do you get?
What can Brad do differently now with an objective view of his personality strengths? Brandy said that he gave much more time and attention to his clients than he did to her and the children. He admits that. He would take them to expensive places when he was off, but she and the kids needed his time and attention.
Here’s the Bottomline: He gave too much time and attention to his business and too little time and attention to his wife and children. And she was done with that!
Looking at what personality strengths Brad is low in suggests ways to get better results. Since he works in oilfields he may want to join a group where he can meet women. So he may want to become more of a joiner (Affiliation at 18%). He can use his strength in Sociability (at 95%) to relax people in a social setting.
When someone he is dating indicates that she is not happy, he can make Harmony (at 40%) a priority, give more attention to how she is feeling (Tendency to Assess Feelings at 15%), and give more weight to her concerns (Deference at 3%).
He could ask for guidance (Ability to Ask for Help at 16%) until the next relationship is working better. None of us can change what we do not know about. Now Brad knows HOW strong his strengths and his weaknesses are. Now he can choose to use them to create his best life ever!
Can I use my PSA© to make my best adjustment to divorce?
1. Print out Alicia’s and Brad’s PSAs©. Scan them and save them as a document in a folder named “Adjust to Divorce©.” After you get your PSAs©: Use them to help you understand how to use your PSAs© in your life.
2. To order your PSA©, go back to the Home Page. When you take your tests: Think of yourself as you are when you are at your very best.
You may want to see a marriage and family therapist in your city. Or you and Dr. Knolle may want to use your PSA© to strategize together in her office, on ZOOM, or on the phone. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You already learned a lot about how to use your PSA© to structure your new life by reading about Alicia and Brad. You know a lot about your current situation….You can do this!